Raising Kids—The Role of Kindness

(This is a  letter I wrote to my four children and their spouses. I decided to post it on my blog)

I  read an interesting and important article in the recent issue of The Atlantic which I thought I would share with you.  It was written by Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant on the subject of raising kids.  It is well worth reading in its entirety.  In a nutshell, it presented persuasive evidence that “children who help others end up achieving more than those who don’t.”  As evidence, it cites academic progress in later years and overall success in life as relating closely to how the children were rated as being helpful or not by Kindergarten and early grade teachers.

The article draws on knowledge from psychologists and evolutionary biologists to explain this.  In part, it comes down to the reality that concern for other people promotes supportive relationships.  Students who care about others tend to see their education as preparation for contributing to society—an outlook that inspires them to persist when difficult studying is required.  Interestingly, research shows that “kindness can also make kids happy in the here and now.”  Psychologists call this “the helpers high.”  Economists refer to it as the “warm glow of giving.”  Neuroscientists find that generosity activates reward centers in our brains.

Reading this article brought me a smile because I thought of how many times I have seen personally and read reports from your children’s teachers of how they care for other classmates.
  

I was talking the subject of kindness with a fellow P&G alumni last week.  She quickly signaled her agreement with the thesis in raising her own two girls, but she took the conversation in an unexpected direction as she talked about the role of “kindness” in a workplace culture.  She applauded it; she felt it very important.  But she asked me for my perspective on what she described as the “soft under-belly of kindness”—that occurring if we do not bring candor and courage along with it.  I told her I knew exactly what she was driving at.  I experienced this challenge in my own life.

So, how do you try to ensure that kindness doesn’t lead to a lack of decisiveness and candor in a relationship?  Here is how I explained I have tried to resolve this.  

I have tried to keep three precepts in my mind, especially as I am dealing with a personal subject which could hurt the feelings of another person or be something, in hearing, they wish weren’t true: 

1.      I start by trying to answer the question for myself:  “what is the right thing to do?”  

2.      Is what I would say something that the other person needs to know for his or her own benefit?  They may not like to hear it, but they need to know it. 

3.      Do I convey it in a way which expresses my deep respect and caring for the other individual, so that I have a reason to believe they will understand that whatever I am saying is intended for their benefit?

Maggie (my daughter-in-law) once asked me a question the answer to which comes at this same subject in a different and perhaps simpler way.

 She asked me how do you think through what to say to someone with whom you disagree.  My response was to answer three questions:

1.      Is what I am going to say true?

2.      Is what I am going to say necessary; that is, will my communicating it lead to a better outcome?  Am I doing it for the benefit of achieving a better outcome, not just to make myself feel I have done something?

3.      Is this the time and place to have the communication or should I do it in a different place (perhaps one-on-one and fewer people or at a time better suited to achieve a constructive outcome)?

I hope this is helpful.