The Life Changing Impact of Transformational Relationships and Experiences

A good friend of mine, Janet Reid, is about to publish a book (co-authored by her partner, Vince Brown) committed to improving the track record of organizations in advancing diversity and inclusion.  She asked me to write a Forward.  

In reading the manuscript, I was struck by a concept which Janet identifies as key to a person’s development, specifically the presence (or absence) in their lives of “positive transformational relationships.”  I find this a huge idea.  I’m going to elaborate on it here.

I think there are, generally speaking, three kinds of relationships which one person can have with another person. 

The relationships can be “transactional,” “personal” or “transforming.”  

Most relationship are transactional.  Dealing with a dry cleaner, or the clerk in the grocery store, or the waiter in a restaurant; they are transactional.  There are many relationships at one’s place of work that will be transactional.  

Over time, transactional relationships may become personal as one gets to know another person better.  

Examples of personal relationships would likely include a parent’s relationship with his or her children’s teachers; your relationship with your doctor or with your personal assistant or financial advisor.

These relationships rely on mutual respect, on a decent understanding of one another and a reasonably high level of trust.  Without these elements, a personal relationship is not likely to be satisfying or successful over time.  

Finally, at the top of the hierarchy, there are “transformational” relationships.  I will define what they are and what their impact is with a series of questions and answers.

• What distinguishes a transforming relationship?  For the recipient:  
• It elevates the expectation of what the individual can accomplish, and what they are capable of.
• It makes them feel they matter, that they belong, that they are “in the house.”  That, “I have a future here.”  
• The trust a person feels and the belief that they are valued enable a person to be freer to be themselves, to take risks, to feel that they are part of a team. 

• For the provider or initiator of the relationship:
• It affirms the reality of another individual’s ability to grow as a result of your trust and high expectations.
• It demonstrates “what is possible” as an individual responds positively and accomplishes more than before.

What have been the most meaningful examples of “trusting relationships” in my life?

1. My wife’s finding me worthy of marriage.  This literally made me feel that anything was possible.  It was the greatest possible validation that I was a worthy, loveable person.  

2. My first two-up boss and his wife invited me to his home for dinner many times.  His telling me not long after I joined the company that one day he felt “everyone may be working for you,” a statement I could hardly believe.  He made me feel I belonged in the company, that it could become a family for me, that I could succeed.  My relationship with him became a lasting one, right up to the time of his death.  

3. My house master and math teacher in high school clearly had higher expectations of me than I had of myself. He established high standards and did so in a way that I knew he was with me every step of the way.  My relationship with him, too, lasted right up to the time of his death.  

4. My three-up boss when I joined the company, and later the man I worked for for half of my career, Ed Artzt, was a tough taskmaster.  He allowed me to pursue an initiative that I felt he didn’t think would work but carried sufficiently high potential and such little risk that he let me try it.  He spent hours with me one-on-one.  We didn’t always see things the same way; he didn’t even always seem to listen to me, but I knew he respected me and believed in me.  It was a powerful transforming relationship even as it had its ups and downs.

5. My relationship with a distinguished judge, Nathaniel Jones, an African-American for whom my son clerked and whom I’ve known for decades, opened my eyes to the power of diversity and the qualities of integrity and courage, which he possesses at the highest level.  The mutual trust we have for each other is reinforcing and strengthening.  

These are just a few of the transforming relationships I’ve had.  

What about transforming experiences?  

A transforming experience, like a transforming relationship, elevates a person’s expectation of what they can accomplish.  It demonstrates that they are trusted and respected.  It affirms and validates their instincts to do what they think is right, as “being okay.”  Transformational experiences provide totally fresh insights on what matters most in an organization and life in general.  They highlight what values really count in the purpose of the organization and what makes it succeed.

Transformational experiences don’t always grow from a transformational relationship, but many do occur within one.

Here are examples of transformational experiences I have had:

1. Being asked to undertake the outfitting of PT boats for Vietnam when I was in the Navy, a task I felt totally unprepared for.  But reaching out to work with other experts, I did it.  It gave me enormous confidence.

2. Being challenged by a person in P&G down the line who told me that I should have taken a stronger leadership position on a particular issue.  He was right.  He made me reassess the balance of my leadership between getting input and moving on.

3. Bringing the union and management together when I was working at Yale to improve the condition of the Yale golf course, which had fallen in ranking among college golf courses in the nation from #1 to #75.  Folks told me we couldn’t get the union and management to work together. I disagreed.  I got everybody together and we showed we could.  The golf course has returned to #1.

4. Being asked by John Smale, who, at the time was my senior by many levels, to work with him to develop a new exhibit for the Cincinnati Art Museum.  This was transformational in many respects.  It showed John cared about me; before I wasn’t even sure he knew me.  It opened me up to the community; it made me see I could do something good in the arts area.

5. Ed Harness, then CEO, casually telling me to “take care” of myself, because someday “you might be leading the company.”  This was 15 years before I became CEO.  It was transformational in giving me a vision of what I might eventually be asked to do, which I had not conceived of.  

Another unforgettable transforming experience which Ed Harness gave me occurred shortly after I was appointed General Manager for the P&G Italian business.  Ed, who had recently been appointed to be CEO, was making his first visit to Italy.  It was a very difficult time.  Our business was in tough shape.  Inflation was high and the Communist Party was within one point of gaining majority control in the government.  There wasn’t a lot of good to talk about, other than our forward-looking plans, in which I had confidence.  

I don’t recall what I said to Ed during the business review.  I know I was uptight.  He must have sensed that.  As the two of us were walking together to leave the building, Ed paused.  He put his hand on my shoulder and, with a smile that one would have had to know Ed to fully appreciate, he said:  “John, sometimes you have to wait for the other shoe to fall.  You are doing the right things.  Everything will be alright.”  I’ll never forget that.  It gave me a sense of confidence and freedom that I had not had before.  I knew Ed cared about me, and I felt he valued me.

6. Francie and my being sent to Italy as General Manager, giving me a leadership position far beyond what I had before and putting us in a new environment of learning about people who were different from us but shared the same characteristics.  This experience transformed what I understood a “good life” to be in balancing personal relationships with the business.

7. In a diversity training class, I was asked to play the role of an African-American female at a P&G plant.  In the role play, I was supervised by a women who played the role of a white man who had two basic dislikes when it came to those working for him:  African-Americans and women.  I was the composite of both.  I remember what that felt like, though it’s more than 30 years ago.

8. My experiencing the death of family members (my sister and my parents) and a close brush with death myself in my battle with cancer conveyed the fragility of life and the overriding importance of family.  

9. I observed the company’s decision to withdraw the product Rely from the market, at great financial sacrifice, because the safety of our consumers matters more than anything.  This experience was one of many which cast P&G’s commitment to “do what is right” in stone.  It was transformational.

 Transformational Relationships I’ve had With Others

1. Influenced, I’m sure, by the recognition of the transformational experiences others had afforded me, I played the same role, sometimes without even knowing it.  

Johnip Cua was one of the most outstanding General Managers I ever worked with.  Years after the event, he reminded that when he was still a young Product Supply manager, I had observed him in a meeting and recommended to his line management that he undertake a training assignment in Marketing, leading to General Management.  Johnip recalled, “It took me two weeks to think through what I wanted to do, and what I thought I was capable of doing.  To be honest, I was not sure but, because you placed so much trust in me, I decided to accept the challenge; and the rest was history…”  And what a splendid history it became.  Johnip led the Philippines to record after record, year after year.

2. One of the longest-lasting transforming relations I have had has been with a long-term P&G associate, Beverly Grant, an African-American woman who became a key leader in P&G’s Sales organization and today serves as Chair of the Board of the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center.  A couple of years ago, Beverly recalled a meeting we both attended in January 1987.  She had been with P&G for only two years.  As she remembers, “During that one hour meeting, you shared your perspective on your experiences here at P&G, as well as the potential you believe all employees have if they work smart, demonstrate leadership and develop their ideas and winning propositions for the company.  

Wow, did you inspire me as a second-year employee!”

Beverly has inspired me by what she has accomplished and by the person she is ever since.

3. Another reciprocal “transforming relationship” I have had is with Eugen Mihai.  I met Eugen some years after he retired from P&G.  I had first known him in Romania.  He reached out to me and said he wanted to help me translate a book I had written into Romanian.  He did that and we have been together personally and through correspondence for more than five years.  He has gone on to great accomplishments, including publishing a well-received book on negotiation.  He wrote me a note in the first week of October, accompanied by a picture of him with his negotiation training class.  The picture showed a photo of me and one of my most deeply felt beliefs: “Life is all about relationships.”

Eugen wrote this, “I could not pass the opportunity to say that it was your support and encouragement that made me publish the book (it is in its fifth edition) and start doing this (negotiation) training.”

4. Another “transforming relationship” I enjoyed was with Julie Grant.  Julie was a rising star in Yale’s finance group when I worked at Yale during 2004-05.  Upon my leaving Yale, she wrote me these heartfelt words:  “You have opened for me a whole new world in which personal values are important in the workplace.  You have made countless contributions to Yale but, for me, the one thing that will always stand out is how you referred to ‘men and women’ in the workplace.  That little thing goes a long way, in my mind, to our remembering that the people are the most important things about an organization and, without the people, the rest doesn’t get done.”

Julie went on to tell me that this experience had led her to change her future academic study and career.  She was an inspiration to me.

I was “paying forward” what others had done for me.  These experiences encouraged me to be more intentional in creating more relationships of this kind.

A recent event said it all.

The life-changing power of transformational relationships was on vibrant display on the night of October 4 in Cincinnati’s Music Hall as the Cincinnati Youth Collaborative held it’s “Dream Makers Celebration.”

Student after student came to the stage to tell us in utterly persuasive words how a relationship they had with a mentor had changed their lives and put them on a course to attend college and, above all, to feel good about themselves.

The audience, and I among them, rose from our seats to salute them, each and every one.  Our hearts were full and our spirits tingled and no small amount of tears were shed.

We were witnessing what’s possible when someone knows they matter and that they are cared for.  Dreams were being converted into reality right before our eyes.

As I attended this “Dream Makers Celebration” on October 4, I remembered my first mentee, Kevin Andrew.  I met him over 30 years ago, in 1988.  He was a sophomore in high school.  First a mentee, then a close friend of mine and my family.  I attended his wedding.  I saw his children grow up.  I wrote him last week to tell him I was thinking of him and hoping we could meet soon.  I told him how close I felt to him.

Kevin wrote me back:  “Your generous feelings about our friendship warm my soul.  I’m truly blessed and humbled to have the opportunity to grow and develop under your stewardship and wisdom.  The Cincinnati Youth Collaborative legacy and impact continues to transform and enrich lives on a scale that is incomprehensible.  Until we meet, may you and Mrs. Pepper continues to have joy and much happiness.”

How important are transformational relationships to the development of an individual’s leadership strengths?

They are very important.  They are critical to creating confidence, the freedom to act decisively, to be oneself.

At P&G, every employee enters the company with strong aptitude and attitude strengths as measured by the best screening tests we can develop.  Yet, some individuals progress further than others.  There are many reasons for this, of course:  their ambition, their aptitude for the work, their love of the work as they get deeper into it, their passion and commitment to continue to learn and to grow.

Beyond these factors, however, critical to an individual’s development are the number and the quality of the transformational relationships and experiences that impact their lives.

This begins with their boss.  How committed and how accountable do they feel to the development of the women and men working for them?  How do they understand them?  Do they interact in a way that creates a transformational relationship or is it more of a transactional or, at best, a personal relationship?

Are they conscious of how a transformational relationship will influence the employee’s progress for years to come?  Are they intentional in seizing opportunities to create a transformational relationship and provide transformational experiences?

Yet another reason why transformational relationships and experiences are important.

 As employees go through a career, they are, like it or not, likely to experience some relationships and experiences which not only fail to be “transformational” in a positive sense, but can be “transformational” in a negative sense.  If and as that has happens, it is vital that an individual have had sufficient positive transformational relationships and experiences to be able to identify the negative one as atypical of the company as it wants to be at its best.

I have encountered negative experiences, ones that left me feeling that the person I was reporting to was not listening to me at the moment or wasn’t giving me the respect that I was due.  I counselled myself in these instances:  “Don’t let this get you down, don’t let it lead you to feel sorry for yourself.  Remember the positive experiences.  Remember who you are.”

All of this is to say that positive relationships and experiences are essential to girding ourselves for what will hopefully be a minority of negative experiences.  Memories of positive relationships and experiences can pull us through challenging moments.

What does it take to create a transformational relationship?  

It starts by getting to know the other person as an individual.  Personally.  Thoroughly.  The individual’s background, their family, their goals, their worries.  I’m not suggesting you approach this with a check-list mentality.  That wouldn’t work.  It has to be developed with the mindset which amounts to an expression from your mind and heart, “I care about you.  I want to get to know you in any way that will help your development.  I feel accountable for your development.”

I have found creating a transformational relationship is not as time-dependent as one might think.  My relationship with John Smale is an example.  It was truly transformational even though he came in and out of my life at interspersed times, giving me, looking back, what were transformational experiences.  For example, I recall in the mid-1980s, proposing to John that we expand a new brand.  I proposed it two times.  Each time, he turned me down.  I was back for a third try.  This was his response to me:  “John, it looks like you continue to want to do this.  I put you in the job.  I will follow what you believe we should do.”  John had given me the benefit of the doubt.  He trusted me.  

It’s worth noting that I have had the benefit of transformational relationships with leaders of very different temperaments.  Some were very tough and demanding, others more overtly supportive.  It didn’t matter.  In every case, I knew they believed in me and wanted me to succeed.

At their most powerful, transformational relationships are shared and mutually reinforcing, a virtual circle if you will. 

My relationship with Janet Reid, whom I mentioned at the outset of this essay, is an example.  In a recent note to me, Janet wrote, “I have seen and experienced the power of relationships that go beyond being transactional to become transformational.  My relationship with you has been that way for me.  I have told our story many times to illustrate what would make a true difference in corporate America and in our communities.”  

In fact, I have told that same story about Janet, from my vantage point, many times.

The power of reciprocal transformational relationships is incredible.  

As I wrote in my book, What Really Matters, “Those relationships in which I have felt free to talk openly without fear of embarrassment have been amazingly productive.  We have been able to cut through the superficial chatter to the essence of issues, whether business or personal, quickly, imaginatively, and honestly.  Those relationships have been important to me in other ways, too.  They have made me feel in touch with another person whom I respect and trust and who respects and trusts me.  They made me feel alive.  They brought me joy and with that joy has come creativity, energy and determination I otherwise would not have had.”

Is the creation of transformational relationships and transformational experiences particularly important in the development and advancement of minorities?

Yes, I believe they are.  In fact, together with the basic sense of accountability every leader should have for the development of his or her people, I believe the creation of transformational relationships and the provision of transformational experiences are the keys to accelerating the advancement of minorities.

Even though arriving at P&G with equivalent credentials as majority employees, many if not most minorities enter the company carrying some fear that they may not belong, or that they may need to act differently in order to fit in with the majority.  Speaking generally, even more than majority employees, they will benefit from relationships and experiences that affirm, indeed elevate, their expectations, their sense of worth, their sense of belonging, and their confidence.

Yet—and here lies the challenge—it will often be harder for a leader to develop a transformational relationship with a minority, someone different than they are.

It is a fundamental truth that we feel more comfortable getting close to people who are more like us.  If we hold a measure of implicit bias, which virtually all of us do, our relationship with a minority can easily default to a transactional or, at best, a personal one.  It may feel uncomfortable getting close.  We have different social lives.  We don’t want to give offense.  All human traits.

What do we do about this risk?

 We recognize its reality.  We acknowledge the tendency to not risk ourselves in what might be an unpredictable, transformational relationship.

So what do we do?  We become intentional.  We recognize the power of building a transformational relationship and providing transformational experiences in other lives just as they helped us in our development.

We take the time to truly know the other person.  We give him or her the benefit of the doubt in a close decision, not with any caveats but right down the line.  We look for an opportunity to ask them to help us on a special business or outside of business project, as John Smale asked me decades ago to help him in developing a new exhibit for the Cincinnati Art Museum.

I believe there will be value in researching the incidence of transformational relationships and transformational experiences during the careers of majority and minority employees, at different levels of advancement.  

I believe we will find a greater presence of such relationships and experiences in the development of our majority employees.  I also feel sure that as we understand the source of confidence and career advancement for those minorities that have progressed the most, we will find they have been empowered by an abundance of transformational relationships and experiences. 

Hopefully, this evidence will help drive us to be more intentional in providing these relationships and experiences to all employees.  

A final word on this subject of transforming relationship and its relevance to advancing diversity and inclusion.  

In a chapter I wrote in my book, What Really Matters, I conclude my discussion of what it takes to make diversity and inclusion a reality with this reminder:

“Let us never forget the overriding importance of showing we care about one another…one by one.  We will not reap the benefits of diversity, personally or for the business, by simply checking off a ‘to-do’ list.  We need strong personal relationships founded on respect, trust and a belief in our common humanity.  We all have benefited mightily from such relationships.  They have heightened our expectations and our confidence and expanded our feeling of influence and belonging.”

For most of us, it is easier to have personal relationships like this with people who are the same as we are than it is with people who are different.  This is a tendency we must overcome. As Fellow Charles Handy of the London Business School wrote in his essay, Beyond Certainty:  “You don’t have much sympathy for those you never meet or see.  We need to rub up against people different from ourselves just as much as we need to join up with our own sort for comfort and security.”

I would amend Handy’s advice by saying that we need to do a lot more than “rub up against people different from ourselves,” especially for those who work for us.  We need to come to know them as individuals.  We need to be able to live in their shoes as best as we can.  We need to try to see the world through their eyes.  We need to listen to them.  In one way or another, we need to show we care and we need to convert that caring into advice and support, frank and constructive, that they will understand as directed at one objective:  helping them grow.

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